Why do people say “Tuna Fish sandwich?” That’s like saying “Chicken Bird sandwich.”

I just keep telling myself you guys don’t have sex either.

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called “Spirit Guides.”

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?

Just burned 2000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.

I googled “cigarette lighter” and got 150000 matches.

Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, “Hey,, Aren’t you Ice-T?”

Sometimes I STOP when it’s not even Hammer time

The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly

I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.