Why do people say “Tuna Fish sandwich?” That’s like saying “Chicken Bird sandwich.”
I just keep telling myself you guys don’t have sex either.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called “Spirit Guides.”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Just burned 2000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I googled “cigarette lighter” and got 150000 matches.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, “Hey,, Aren’t you Ice-T?”
Sometimes I STOP when it’s not even Hammer time
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.